SGT CH112: He Could Have Not Been a Dodder Flower

◎He could have grown into an upright poplar tree◎

X had surely thought about him needing that crystal core.

But he still chose someone else.

Just like now, X surely knew he was unwilling to use a crystal core burdened with a human life, yet he still insisted on doing it.

For the first choice, Mu Si could accept it for the sake of a human life.

But if that was the case, how could X, for the sake of a crystal core, make him bear the weight of another human life?

Mu Si stared at X with blurry eyes, waiting for an answer.

Yet it wasn’t just an answer to these questions.

“I’m so sorry…”

X had never been good at facing Mu Si’s tears.

The crystal-clear drops sliding from Mu Si’s eyes made him stand frozen on the spot, utterly at a loss.

His jaw tightened, and he raised a hand to wipe them for Mu Si.

The leather glove landed on the warm cheek but only smeared the tears further.

His gaze fell on the glove, and X paused for a moment.

He was a zombie. Even with neatly trimmed nails, there was a chance of scratching Mu Si’s skin.

Once scratched, there was a risk of infection.

He couldn’t keep his ability active at all times, so he could only pay more attention to physical isolation and protection in his daily life.

Mu Si had been too intimate with him recently, as if he were no different from before.

But as soon as he saw these thick protections on his body, X would realize that life and death separated them; they were no longer the same species.

He was a zombie, after all.

X slowly lowered his hand.

“I understand. You want a psychic crystal core, but you can’t accept bearing a human life for it.”

X said to him:

“Obtaining the psychic crystal core is my business. It’s my choice… the choice of a zombie.

“You’re just an ordinary person; of course you can’t stop a high-level zombie. You don’t need to feel burdened by this.

“After I bring back the crystal core, I will be at your disposal.”

Mu Si was about to be driven mad by him.

X said he understood, but he didn’t understand anything at all.

Did he think that by taking all the blame on himself, by excluding him from it, he could accept a crystal core from a human with a clear conscience?

In X’s heart, just what kind of person was he?

Mu Si could hardly breathe. His stomach spasmed, and he felt extremely unwell.

He took half a step back, leaning against the vehicle wall, steadying his breathing to calm himself down.

“At your disposal? How do you want me to dispose of you?”

Mu Si pressed on his heavy chest, asking as he gasped for breath.

Worried, X reached out, wanting to touch Mu Si, but under Mu Si’s cold, resistant gaze, his outstretched hand froze in mid-air, only stiffly falling after a long moment.

“Anything,” X said in a low voice, eyes downcast.

If it could let Mu Si get what he wanted, he didn’t care about his own end.

Looking at the potted mutated plants on the floor, X suddenly felt a bit fortunate that he hadn’t gotten rid of them.

“You can… kill me.”

X said: “Don’t do it yourself. A zombie’s flesh and blood are dirty. Let the mutated plants do it.”

These mutated plants were long accustomed to protecting Mu Si and obeying his words.

Even if he was gone, they would continue to protect Mu Si on his behalf.

X thought, this was also good. At least when he completely left this world, left Mu Si, he could be a little more at ease.

But there was still some reluctance.

X looked up, his gaze falling on Mu Si’s wide, astonished eyes.

He mobilized the muscles on his face, smiled at Mu Si, and said:

“Don’t be sad for me, and don’t feel guilty. I am a zombie. I killed someone, and then you kill me. This is ridding humanity of a great scourge.”

[???]

[No way, Little Cake worked so hard to get the Scumbag Seme Value below 50, and you pull this stunt?]

[Never thought a BE could happen this way.]

[X-bro, I’m begging you, hold back a little. It wasn’t easy for Little Cake to lower this BE value from over ninety. Don’t let it all rebound overnight.]

[If this were a Scumbag Uke Rehabilitation Live Room, X-bro could max out the value in minutes.]

Mu Si stared blankly at X.

He held back the sting in his nose, looked up at the dazzling lights on the vehicle’s ceiling, wiped the tears from his face with his hand, and found himself laughable.

“You really don’t understand anything.”

Mu Si wanted to be angry, yet he also felt sad and found it ridiculous.

“You’d rather sacrifice your life and make me completely lose my lover, just to force a crystal core into my hands…”

Mu Si’s expression was a mix of crying and laughing.

He looked up and questioned X.

“Did you think that what I care about is the crystal core?”

The crystal core was indeed important.

But some things were more important than a crystal core, more important than an ability.

Even more important than his own future.

“If I really cared that much about a crystal core, I wouldn’t have given you mine back then.”

What he cared about was never the crystal core.

It was X.

But the person he cared about most, the person he had exchanged his own ability and future for, was now telling him to kill him.

After saying this, Mu Si closed his eyes deeply.

His body felt as if all its strength had been drained. Only by leaning against the vehicle wall could he barely stand, preventing himself from sliding to the floor.

He had never thought that one day, he would take the initiative to tell X about this.

He had imagined that X might discover it himself and then try his utmost to be better to him.

Or that he might blame him, thinking he shouldn’t have done it.

Or perhaps have no reaction at all, even becoming colder toward him.

Just as Mu Si was not good at expressing love, he was also not good at asking for affection.

When his parents divorced and left him, the only thing Mu Si could think of was to hurt himself to gain some attention.

But he wouldn’t run to his parents and tell them: I skipped class, I dyed my hair white, I went drag racing…

Instead, he secretly hoped they would notice his changes, come to ask him, to care for him.

But he received nothing.

Perhaps, after giving away the crystal core, he had also hoped X would notice his change.

During that time, due to the separation from the crystal core, Mu Si’s mental state was once very poor.

He was listless all day, groggy, spending most of the day in a stupor.

X might have noticed, but simply attributed his poor condition to other things.

Fortunately, X was very good to him, protecting his safety, caring for his body, keeping his clothes spotless and his hands unstained by blood.

Even if X had forcibly had sex with him against his will the night he became an ability user.

His protection of him was irreproachable.

It was just that X was perhaps too slow, never discovering the matter of the crystal core.

Even though X had gained two abilities overnight.

While other ability users, zombies, or mutated creatures would only awaken one ability.

Even though he was groggy all day in front of X.

It wasn’t until X obtained a healing ability and healed his body that his condition improved.

Even though crystal cores of all types couldn’t grant him an ability, yet he was extremely persistent about the psychic crystal core…

Over time, Mu Si gradually lost hope and also lost the interest to bring it up.

He never thought that one day he would take the initiative to mention this to X.

That would seem like demanding repayment for a favor.

Given their relationship, if it came to that step, it would be too ugly.

Even now, saying it under these circumstances seemed very ugly.

Now that it’s come to this, this is the only way.

Mu Si wearily raised a hand to support his forehead, not wanting to open his eyes and face it.

His nose still stung a little.

It was probably the belated sense of grievance and sadness.

X had wanted to reach out and support Mu Si, but his words left him frozen in place, as if struck by lightning.

“Si-Si… my psychic ability is… from you?”

X’s voice still carried a trace of uncertainty.

But immediately, many scenes from the past flashed through his mind.

After a night of high fever, he woke up to find Mu Si sitting on the sofa chair in the room, his wrist wrapped in a bandage.

When Mu Si learned he had awakened abilities, and dual abilities at that, he showed no surprise.

Instead, Mu Si’s body weakened rapidly; he was often mentally exhausted and exceptionally lethargic.

He thought of the times he brought back crystal cores of various attributes for Mu Si.

Mu Si went from curious and expectant to completely indifferent, merely going through the motions of trying them.

But for the psychic crystal core he had never encountered, Mu Si had an extremely strong obsession, as if certain he could trigger an ability with it.

And upon learning he had given away the psychic crystal core he obtained, Mu Si was so angry for the first time, refusing to acknowledge him, giving him the cold shoulder for a long time.

Everything seemed to have a traceable path.

It was just that he had never thought in that direction.

Plunder and Psychic were both abilities he gained on the night of his awakening.

All abilities obtained through the Plunder ability could not be upgraded.

With the sole exception of the Psychic ability.

The Psychic ability even had a crystal core in his body; he could clearly sense it.

All of the above made him never doubt that the Psychic ability wasn’t his.

Even if the Psychic ability didn’t match his fighting style at all.

He was more accustomed to exhilarating close-quarters combat, not mental manipulation.

X raised his hand and pressed it to his heart, feeling the crystal core embedded in it.

Through that crystal core, he seemed to be able to feel all of Mu Si’s emotions.

Sad, sour, aggrieved…

All the emotions mixed together, causing his long-numb heart to throb with pain.

Ever since gaining his abilities, his perception of Mu Si’s emotions had been exceptionally sharp.

It was a completely different feeling from when he used his psychic ability to probe others.

He didn’t even need to mobilize his ability to naturally sense Mu Si’s emotions and be drawn in by his joys and sorrows.

Unable to ignore, unable to escape.

It was as if those were emotions arising from his own heart.

“This psychic crystal core is yours; my psychic ability originally belonged to you.”

The signs already indicated the truth; no doubt was needed.

X pressed on his fiercely aching heart, almost wanting to tear it out.

X didn’t understand.

“How did it end up in my body?”

As he spoke, X thought of something, and his face turned deathly pale.

“I plundered your ability?”

“No, not exactly plunder…”

Mu Si stroked the scar on his wrist, feeling a little tired.

He avoided X’s outstretched hand, leaned on the vehicle wall, and walked to the sofa chair to sit down.

“I took out the crystal core myself and gave it to you. As for the ability… I didn’t expect you would gain the psychic ability because of it.”

At that time, Mu Si had already sensed a dangerous and powerful ability awakening inside X.

At the same time, X’s sanity was collapsing.

He could lose consciousness at any moment, becoming a walking corpse dominated by predatory instincts.

Back then, Mu Si only thought of using the psychic crystal core to stabilize X’s mind and save his precarious sanity.

But when the psychic crystal core encountered the awakening Plunder ability, it remained in X’s body and became X’s ability.

This was not within Mu Si’s expectations.

Not plunder.

The confusion in X’s heart did not lessen; instead, it grew.

“But, why would you give your crystal core to…”

Before X could finish his sentence, he abruptly thought of something.

Back then, at his teammate’s request, he had given the psychic crystal core to the healer because the healer was injured by a zombie and showed signs of infection.

X subconsciously raised his hand, touching his arm, then moved it to his heart.

At that time, he had also been injured by a zombie.

The more serious wound was on his arm. Mu Si had cleaned, disinfected, and bandaged it for him, almost scraping off a layer of his flesh.

There was another wound, on his chest.

The zombie’s claw had barely grazed it, not even tearing his clothes, but the skin was broken.

X hadn’t even noticed it at the time.

It was only later, when he was showering, that he discovered a short, shallow scratch on his chest.

If it weren’t for the fact that he was showering before being intimate with Mu Si, he might have even thought Mu Si had scratched him.

“Back then, I was already… infected?”

X had always thought he was very lucky to have his body’s potential stimulated after being scratched by a zombie, awakening an ability and becoming an ability user.

He never considered the other possibility.

That he was infected back then and showed signs of turning into a zombie.

The reason he didn’t turn into a zombie was because Mu Si dug out his psychic crystal core and gave it to him…

Mu Si did not refute.

He leaned back quietly in the sofa chair. When the mutated morning glory tentatively wrapped around his finger to soothe him, he gently flicked its petals.

He was indeed in a bad mood, but not as terrible as the mutated plants thought.

Just like he cared about the crystal core, but not as much as X thought.

Back then, he could give up his own ability for X.

How could he now, in order to gain an ability, let X die?

Tearing open the old scars to talk about them.

It was very painful at the moment of speaking.

But after saying it, it was surprisingly much more liberating.

Having said this much, X should finally give up the idea of “taking a psychic ability user’s crystal core for him, and then being killed by him,” right?

Mu Si yawned wearily, feeling a bit sleepy.

“Let’s leave it at that. Wash up and go to sleep. We don’t want the crystal core, and let’s not go to Haicheng either.”

As for where to go next, he would think about it tomorrow.

Even if it was aimless, just driving the RV with the mutated plants, going wherever they ended up, that would also be quite good.

Like a journey with no destination.

As long as he and X were still together, everything would still be beautiful.

Mu Si stood up, looked at X standing motionless, still trapped in his own emotions, and felt a bit awkward.

He actually didn’t know how to face X after revealing his past sacrifice.

There was some apprehension.

Hoping X would love him more.

Yet fearing X’s attitude toward him would change.

Mu Si chose to temporarily escape for one night.

He went into the bathroom to wash up, then came out in his pajamas, walked past X, and slipped under the covers.

X’s gaze focused on Mu Si’s soft hair exposed outside the quilt.

He wanted to go forward but didn’t think he had the right to get close anymore.

Mu Si had given his crystal core and ability for him, yet he had known nothing.

He had taken it for granted as his own.

Even that night when Mu Si explored his body and touched his chest.

He had thought that Mu Si, seeing he had abilities, had decided to deepen their relationship and offer himself to him.

He had thought Mu Si was always deceiving him.

Everyone thought that Mu Si followed him only to latch onto him, to profit from him.

Perhaps even X himself had once thought so.

He never dared to believe Mu Si truly loved him.

But what kind of benefit could compare to possessing an ability oneself?

Only love could make a person abandon everything.

He once had Mu Si’s love…

So, all that time ago, the love he longed for had already fallen upon him without reservation.

But he had failed that love.

Mu Si could have been more than a dependent dodder flower.

He could have grown into a tough and upright poplar tree.

It was he who occupied Mu Si’s ability, who seized the future Mu Si could have had.

X pressed a hand to his heart.

A phantom pain arose in his heart again.

Every time he left the base for a mission, he was extremely anxious, only wanting to return to Mu Si’s side.

Every second away from Mu Si was exceptionally hard to bear.

Perhaps it wasn’t just him missing Mu Si.

It was also this psychic crystal core, wanting to return to its original owner.

Listening to Mu Si’s gradually steady and even breathing, X slowly took off his gloves.

And plunged his hand into his chest.