FLME Ch16: Variety Show

Xie Heyu’s main quest was to check if Yu Wen was living a life of drunken stupor and turning his days and nights upside down.

He carefully looked at the refrigerator and the kitchen waste, checked the dust on the desk, and the neatness of the wardrobe. Although not impeccably organized, it was still tidy, indicating that during Yu Wen’s time holed up at home, he was living properly.

Xie Heyu saw half an unfinished watermelon and a few apples in the fridge.

“Didn’t you complain that watermelon is too sweet?”

“Yeah.” Yu Wen lay on his stomach on the sofa with his butt sticking up, surfing the internet in an exceptionally flexible posture. “Even if I don’t like it, I still have to replenish regularly. Vitamins supplements aren’t comprehensive, that’s what my Empress Dowager mother says.”

He had taken off his outer coat. His loose collar revealed a section of delicate, jade-like collarbone and blindingly white scenery. Xie Heyu shifted his gaze away. Seeing that his two feet were still bare, he went to the table, picked up the AC remote, and raised the temperature by two degrees.

Yu Wen whined, “Teacher Xie, it’s hot.”

The indomitable Teacher Xie was once again nailed to the spot.

“…Put on some socks.”

Yu Wen looked up, only to see the view of his back as he walked into the kitchen, revealing a bit of vicissitudes amidst the panic.

Yu Wen just thought he was making Xie Heyu worry too much, so he hurriedly rolled up and put on his socks.

He was chatting with Chu Han.

Small Courtyard in the Mountains was still updating. The show was planned for twelve episodes, adopting a “record one, broadcast one” model. Episode eight had just updated last night, and the guests were currently recording episode nine.

Yu Wen and Chu Han couldn’t be considered friends, having little interaction. Their longest chat log was probably the last time Yu Wen reminded Chu Han and informed him of Xi Su’s identity.

They had no dialogue after that.

Chu Han suddenly sent a message today. Yu Wen’s phone was on mute, so he didn’t notice it and had just seen it.

Chu Han: [Are you willing to come record Small Courtyard?]

Chu Han: [I want to invite you. The appearance fee isn’t low, and the show’s popularity is quite good. It just might be a bit tiring.]

Tiring?

Bye-bye to you, old man.

Yu Wen almost directly replied “Not going.” Fortunately, his reason returned before hitting send. He didn’t quite understand why Chu Han suddenly invited him, so he opened the video app and watched the recent episodes of Small Courtyard at double speed to catch up.

His previous prediction was indeed correct; Xi Su had started his old routine again, and was obviously targeting only Chu Han. He didn’t know if it was a case of hating everything associated with Feng Chengzhou or wanting to steal his love, but anyway, Yu Wen’s eyes couldn’t tell if he was sincere or faking it.

In the fifth episode, Xi Su joined and “happened” to be grouped with Chu Han. Although that episode had an explosive pace and a lot of tension, and the online reviews were mediocre, sharing joys and sorrows together between group members indeed sparked some chemistry.

Chu Han became closer to him after that episode. In the sixth episode, the two were almost glued together. Xi Su called him “Chu Han-ge” left and right, pinching his nose to eat eggs just to make Chu Han happy.

Who could reject a straightforward puppy?

Netizens couldn’t, anyway.

Starting from the reversal of public opinion in episode six, the “Xi-Han” CP emerged out of nowhere, with edit views on a certain video site exceeding a million. But starting from episode seven, Chu Han suddenly began to intentionally or unintentionally avoid Xi Su’s overtures. For a time, opinions were divided. The viewers addicted to shipping the CP said they were just avoiding suspicion, but anyone with discerning eyes could see the stiffness in the atmosphere between the two.

Naturally, Chu Han was in more trouble because, after all, Xi Su’s performance in the show was flawless.

Yu Wen held his phone and pondered, still not understanding what Chu Han intended by calling him over.

What could he do? Watch the drama live?

Yu Wen: [Sorry about that, I’m currently on a set, it’s not easy to ask for leave.]

Chu Han replied very quickly, his internet speed uncharacteristically fast for his usual old-man style.

[You can’t even spare two days?]

[I can sign the contract for the charity live stream, as long as you’re willing to come be a guest for episode ten.]

[Please.]

Given Chu Han’s personality, the word “please” was already his highest level of pleading.

Yu Wen was startled, and at the same time even more puzzled: [Is there something special about episode ten?]

Chu Han remained silent for a long time before finally telling the truth under Yu Wen’s pressing.

Chu Han: [Episode six had a very high level of discussion. The director wants to replicate that model again.]

Yu Wen: […Teaming up?]

Chu Han: [Mn.]

No wonder Chu Han was avoiding it like snakes and scorpions, terrified he wouldn’t get away fast enough. Based on the current situation, not only was Xi Su’s first choice him, but the production team, for the sake of watchability, would also probably deliberately put the two of them in a group.

When that time came, it would be another CP carnival.

Yu Wen: [But I have no experience recording variety shows, maybe I won’t be able to help you.]

Chu Han: [It’s okay, I will try my best to choose you.]

Yu Wen thought for a moment.

[Which kind of unbinding do you want? A hardcore one, or a mild one?]

Chu Han: […What?]

Yu Wen: [Backup plan 1: Forceful taking; Backup plan 2: Abusive love triangle; Backup plan 3: Shifting affections to someone else; Backup plan 4: Treating someone as a substitute…]

Chu Han: [Which one is the mild version?]

Yu Wen: [Oh, all of the above are hardcore versions. The mild version I call the Great Method of Diverting Attention. In short, reduce your alone time, leaving the CP fans with no food to eat. With no food to eat, no one produces fan content. With no fan content, there’s no heat. Starve the CP fans to death, and then starve your CP to death too.]

Chu Han: […You know a lot.]

Yu Wen: [I’m flattered.]

He didn’t know before, but after studying Xi Su, he understood. After all, his internet surfing speed was fast, and Xi Su was very classic.

Yu Wen: [The mild version backup plan is as follows:]

Chu Han: [That’s enough!]

Chu Han: [No need to list them out.]

Chu Han: [I’m already very happy that you’re willing to come.]

Yu Wen looked at these words, leaning crookedly on the sofa and worrying.

Even though Chu Han acted honestly and didn’t care about popularity and status, could a person who was too sincere really safely reach the top in this kind of circle…

The last piece of advice he gave Chu Han: [Think about it, sign with an agency.]

Ending the chat, Yu Wen packaged the chat logs and sent them to Xie Jiamao.

Xie Jiamao: [Not bad. Although this show doesn’t have many big shots, it has a stable audience. It’s considered a good resource.]

Xie Jiamao: [Not bad, not bad. Xiao Yu has already started fetching variety shows on his own.]

Xie Jiamao: [Waving_flags_and_shouting.jpg]

Yu Wen: [Going to work! Going to work! Starlight Media Fortune 500!]

Yu Wen: [Kitten_sprinting.jpg]

Xie Jiamao immediately became full of enthusiasm, looking forward to the future. Yu Wen felt the calling and excitedly rolled over on the sofa.

Xie Heyu came out holding the cut strawberries, just in time to see him roll off the sofa and onto the floor.

Fortunately, there was a carpet, so he didn’t bump into anything.

Xie Heyu picked him up from the floor. Yu Wen shrank his neck like a cat, blinking his bright, big eyes.

“Teacher Xie, I know I was wrong.”

Xie Heyu shook his head and helped him sit back on the sofa. Yu Wen saw the plate he was holding, stretched his neck out, and asked in surprise, “Teacher Xie, you dismembered the strawberries?!”

Xie Heyu: “…”

Yu Wen held the neatly cut strawberry tips, instantly understanding Xie Heyu’s painstaking intentions.

“Teacher Xie, you really are a good person.” Yu Wen was deeply moved.

In this life, besides his parents and older sister, no one else had ever helped him eat the strawberry butts!

Teacher Xie, a true brother indeed!

The recording schedule for Small Courtyard was tight, with episodes nine and ten recorded back-to-back. The day after agreeing to Chu Han, Yu Wen received the invitation from the production team.

The recording location was far away in another city. After getting off the plane, the staff was waiting at the exit, their attitude polite.

“Hello Teacher Yu, thank you for coming from so far away. We’ve prepared a simple meal for you here, hope you don’t mind eating in the car.”

The production team had done their homework in advance. Although Yu Wen was an obscure little actor, and Starlight Media was just a startup company, there seemed to be the support of multiple industry bigwigs behind the scenes. It was very likely some big bosses coming to the entertainment industry to test the waters for fun. It was best not to offend him.

Yu Wen had absolutely no idea he had such an awesome background. He just thought they were being quite polite.

The dilapidated house of Small Courtyard was located in the middle of nowhere, a full two-hour drive from the airport. Most guests could only eat their meals in the car, and conveniently record their pre-interviews at the same time.

“How much does Teacher Yu understand about our show?”

Yu Wen had just finished eating and hadn’t even wiped his mouth clean, but the cameras had already started rolling.

He took a napkin to briefly wipe his mouth, took a sip of water, licked the corners of his lips, and said seriously, “I’ve watched every episode. I really like this comfortable style. To be invited as a guest this time, I feel very honored.”

His answer was very formulaic. The staff member in the passenger seat happened to have seen his last live stream, and couldn’t help but tease, “Teacher Yu, you can relax a bit more. Although there are no bullet comments here to interact with you, please don’t suppress your true nature.”

Yu Wen quieted down and blinked.

“Are you asking me… to be an honest chatterbox?”

The staff member was amused by his weird way of putting it, “As you wish.”

“Tomorrow is the official recording. Is Teacher Yu prepared?”

Yu Wen was still sitting upright, but his expression had obviously relaxed. Hearing this, he thought for a moment.

“There’s a lot of physical labor to do, right? I know, I’ve watched your show. You don’t just work your artists like donkeys, oh sorry… not only is the physical labor heavy, but the scope is also broad. Artists grow a lot after recording; building houses and laying tiles is nothing, raising chickens and killing fish is a piece of cake. Small Courtyard — a great place to cultivate all-rounder artists.”

Yu Wen smiled, brought his hand up to his face, and gave a thumbs up.

Staff member: “…”

Yu Wen: “Did I let myself go too much?”

Staff member: “A little.”

Yu Wen gracefully accepted the feedback: “Then I’ll pull it back a bit.”

“Cut that part out from just now, I’ll do it again.” He picked up his smile, “Small Courtyard — a great place to cultivate all-rounder artists.”

The staff member then asked a few more cliché questions, which Yu Wen answered very easily.

“However, I remember guest stars get one chance to make a request,” Yu Wen smiled shyly. “Since the senior who withdrew halfway left behind a wish, the rules for this episode are set by him. My opportunity is pushed back to serve as the rules for the next episode… Hmm, this is so troublesome, and it also affects the experience of later guests. Can we just combine them into one?”

The so-called “senior’s wish” was just an excuse by the production team. All the guests knew it perfectly well. Hearing the first half, the staff member felt a bit awkward, but fortunately, Yu Wen didn’t flip the table, leaving enough face for each other.

She sighed in relief and teased in a tone meant for coaxing a child: “Oh? What ideas does Teacher Yu have?”

“Hmm… Let’s add an undercover mole. They can steal points by touching specific body parts of others. Touching a member of their own group doubles the points stolen. When the current episode’s recording ends, if everyone fails to expose the mole, all members’ points are halved, and the mole’s points are doubled.”

“Ah…” The staff member was slightly surprised, then quickly figured something out and showed a teasing expression. “Teacher Yu wants to be the mole yourself, right? You won’t have to move much, you can get points just by touching someone. Teacher Yu is being lazy.”

Yu Wen didn’t deny it, smiling shyly and saying frankly, “Snatching points is too tiring. If I can’t out-compete the others, my efforts might just be like drawing water with a bamboo basket. Better to just go for a big heist.”

“It’s a very novel setting. It’s a pity we can’t designate the mole candidate, otherwise it would be a rigged game.” The staff member blinked slyly, “We’ll decide by drawing lots when the time comes.”

Yu Wen cooperatively revealed a look of pity, “Alright.”

Avoiding work was one aspect.

More importantly, under such rules, any physical contact would become suspicious, perfectly cutting off the personal space connection of this CP.

He wasn’t here to join this family; he was here to tear this family apart.