AEOGA CH33

Xie Chongjin remained silent for a long moment before speaking in a low voice: “It was I who harmed Father and Mother.”

Since he could not hide it from Lu Xuechao, he stopped denying it.

Lu Xuechao was the only person before whom he could let down his defenses, speak with complete honesty, and lay bare all his wretchedness and vulnerability.

Lu Xuechao said, “I already told you it’s not your fault—”

“Qingshu doesn’t need to comfort me.” Xie Chongjin let out a soft, self-deprecating laugh. “I am the protagonist of the Emperor Route. Everything stems from me, and no matter what, I cannot detach myself from it. How can I stop thinking about it? I often think that perhaps I am destined to be a jinx—cursing my father, my spouse, my friends, and my country. That is why in every life I must experience all those nearest and dearest to me leaving, while I alone scrape by to the very end, solitary and isolated, watching the fall of my home and nation.”

“Even on the Consort Route, when the one controlled by the player was Lin Chanzhi and not me, I didn’t dare draw near to anyone. If I grew close to someone—even if I just said a word or cast a glance their way—they would be harmed to death. I brought nothing but misfortune to them… I didn’t even dare draw close to you, yet I still couldn’t save you, only able to watch you… die time and time again with my own eyes.” Xie Chongjin’s voice trembled. “Always bringing disaster to those close to me—is that not the definition of a jinx?”

“I am the one who deserves to die the most, yet every time, I am the one who lives to the end… By what right?”

Xie Chongjin’s eyes grew darker and colder, his tone laced with undisguised self-loathing.

He had once been the sun who loved the world and shone upon all living things—a bright, radiant morning light wrapped around the morning clouds after a snowfall.

Yet now he loathed himself, loathed the world, and loathed being alive, hiding away in the dark night where no dawn could reach.

How had he become like this?

“You are not a jinx.” Lu Xuechao, who had remained calm earlier while grieving his own sorrow, now spoke with a barely perceptible sob in his voice. “I studied divination and calculated your destiny. You are a born Ziwei Emperor Star—surrounded by stars, brilliant and eye-catching, glowing with resplendent light. You are a star of good fortune who can bless all living beings and leave a name for a thousand generations… My calculations cannot be wrong. Your fate was altered; you are not the one who ought to die. You are not allowed to belittle yourself, and you are not… not allowed to think about dying.”

He could not bear to hear Xie Chongjin talk like this.

Having seen how proud Xie Chongjin used to be, he felt all the more heartbroken over his current self-loathing.

Lu Xuechao had cried before Xie Chongjin quite a few times. Being sensitive to pain and frequently troubled by illness, he often couldn’t hold back tears brought on by physical distress. Other times, it was his muffled, restrained weeping in bed that made Xie Chongjin’s heart ache while simultaneously making him lose all composure.

He appeared to be a delicate person.

Yet Xie Chongjin knew how resilient and strong Lu Xuechao’s character truly was. He never cried over setbacks, facing difficulties head-on with brave, fearless resolve, rarely ever truly sad or afraid.

It was he who had made Qingshu sad.

The dark gloom in Xie Chongjin’s eyes melted away. Reaching out to wipe Lu Xuechao’s tears, he smiled and said, “Qingshu is so clever—you even learned divination for my sake.”

Lu Xuechao glared at him with cold eyes—don’t think about changing the subject.

And don’t pretend nothing happened or force a smile.

Xie Chongjin met his gaze for a moment before raising his hands in helpless surrender. “I won’t die, don’t be afraid.”

“If only for your sake, I will go on living properly.”

“While Qingshu is still in this world, how could I bear to leave it?”

This was the truth.

Even if he felt the entire world was utter garbage, as long as Lu Xuechao was in it, it was better than a thousand wonderful things.

He would try his best to live.

Lu Xuechao pulled him directly into a tight hug.

Xie Chongjin let him hold him, gathering him into his arms. Only after a long while did he ask, “Have you hugged enough?”

Lu Xuechao said nothing and didn’t let go.

Xie Chongjin smiled. “If you stay like this, I won’t be able to drive the carriage.”

Both of them were inside the carriage with no driver, and the carriage had been sitting stationary for quite some time.

Lu Xuechao said in a muffled voice, “I don’t want to stay inside the carriage alone.”

Thinking he was afraid of being lonely, Xie Chongjin said, “It’s just a curtain separating us. If you speak inside, I can hear you outside, and we can still chat.”

Lu Xuechao countered, “Are we the kind of relationship that needs a curtain between us to talk?”

Xie Chongjin immediately found that reasoning sound. After a moment’s thought, he abandoned his plan to be the coachman, lifted the carriage curtain, and called out, “Shadow Guard.”

A masked person in black appeared in an instant, dropping to one knee with hands clasped in salute. “Master.”

“Drive the carriage,” Xie Chongjin ordered, dropping the curtain back down.

Shadow Guard: “Understood.”

As shadow guards, they were shadows unable to see the light, only responsible for secret protection and obeying the Emperor’s orders.

Although this was the first time taking over a coachman’s duties, Shadow Guard had no objections whatsoever.

Xie Chongjin comfortably held Lu Xuechao in his arms. “Now we can talk face-to-face.”

Lu Xuechao said, “That outside is your Shadow Guard Leader.”

It was a calm statement, not a question.

Xie Chongjin was surprised. “You know that too?”

The imperial shadow guards obeyed only the Emperor’s orders to protect his safety, existing as a presence even more secretive than the Jinyiwei. Selected and trained from ordinary guards who entered the palace in their youth, twenty elite members were chosen for each generation, with the strongest becoming the new leader.

Shadow guards had no names, only numbers. Code names for ordinary shadow guards ranged from One to Nineteen, while the leader of every generation bore the code name Shadow.

It wasn’t strange for Qingshu to know about the shadow guards’ existence, but how could he tell that the person driving the carriage outside was the Shadow Guard Leader? He had only called out “Shadow Guard” just now.

Lu Xuechao reminded him, “Have you forgotten? One of the plot consorts.”

Xie Chongjin: “…”

Right, now he remembered.

In the early stages of the game, Shadow was purely a tool for protecting the Emperor.

In the game, if diligence dropped below 60, Xie Chongjin would suffer assassination attempts every few days. If his martial arts stat was insufficient, he would be successfully killed.

If his martial arts stat was high enough, the game plot wouldn’t involve the Emperor himself slaying the assassins—after all, he was the Emperor, and it would be strange for no guards to protect him.

Whenever this happened, a mysterious masked person in black would leap out to protect him, keeping the Emperor safe and sound.

When the number of times the black-clothed guard saved him exceeded fifteen, a plot point would trigger where the face cover slipped off during a fight, revealing a cold, handsome face.

Then the player could recruit Shadow into the harem.

Xie Chongjin hadn’t recalled this detail right away.

It was simply that the player recruited too many consorts into the harem; how could he have the mind to remember them one by one? Although he possessed all past-life memories from his dreams, he automatically filtered out all consort plotlines other than Lu Xuechao’s.

It hadn’t felt like much when unmentioned, but now that Lu Xuechao brought it up, Xie Chongjin felt terribly awkward.

“If you mind, should I swap for another shadow guard to drive?” Xie Chongjin asked.

“If I minded, would I be holding tea parties every day with those eight in the palace? Would I tolerate Yun Luo staying by your side?” Lu Xuechao said. “I am not unreasonable; I won’t mind such things.”

“You clearly mind a lot,” Xie Chongjin exposed him. “He only said one word outside, and you recognized him.”

Shadow Guard was a man of few words and had little contact with Lu Xuechao. If he hadn’t paid attention, how could he recognize him from a single word?

Relying on Lu Xuechao’s good memory and photographic mind?

It wasn’t entirely impossible…

Lu Xuechao didn’t hide it: “In a past life… when I was preparing to assassinate you, he discovered my whereabouts.”

He had never formally practiced martial arts; trying to hide from a highly skilled Shadow Guard Leader was an impossibility.

Xie Chongjin instantly grew tense: “Did he raise a hand against you?”

When his martial arts stat was insufficient, the game would have him send the shadow guards out on missions, allowing assassins to successfully kill him in a logical manner. But when Lu Xuechao carried out his assassinations, Xie Chongjin’s martial arts stat was usually sufficient.

Which meant he would have shadow guards protecting him.

Xie Chongjin had long issued an order that under no circumstances were they to harm the Empress. Could Shadow Guard have disobeyed?

A shadow guard who disobeyed imperial decrees had no reason to be kept around.

Outside the carriage, Shadow Guard, sitting on the driver’s seat, suddenly felt a chill run down his spine.

Could there be danger? He alertly surveyed his surroundings.

He didn’t dare listen to the conversation between His Majesty and the Empress, having already sealed his senses. If there were any danger nearby, the other shadow guards following in secret would naturally notice it.

“No,” Lu Xuechao shook his head. “He didn’t make a move against me.”

“He said…” Lu Xuechao lowered his eyes. “You instructed that if I were to kill you, they need not protect you.”

Shadow Guard’s original words were: “Master instructed that the shadow guards must protect you just as they protect him. If a conflict arises between the two, your safety takes priority over Master’s. If it is you who harbors intent to kill Master, Master instructed that we need not protect him.”

Both Yun Luo and Shadow Guard were fiercely loyal to Xie Chongjin, but the two were different. The former possessed a sharp mind with his own judgments and thoughts; even if Xie Chongjin wanted to depose the Empress, Yun Luo would advise him to think twice. The latter was completely single-minded—a machine trained by the imperial family that only obeyed orders. If Xie Chongjin ordered him to commit regicide, he would likely execute it without hesitation before taking his own life to follow his master.

Xie Chongjin let out a sigh of relief. “That’s good, then.”

“What’s good about it?” Lu Xuechao said expressionlessly. “In those worlds where you had no memories, you already knew I was coming to kill you and even gave such instructions?”

“Qingshu understands me and knows I was forced by others, and I also understand Qingshu, trusting that you came to help free me,” Xie Chongjin said calmly. “Though I am not as smart as you, I am no fool either.”

“Were you so certain that I knew you were forced by others? That killing you was to free you?” Lu Xuechao asked.

Xie Chongjin went silent for a moment before saying, “Not certain. But if Qingshu believed I was a heartless man and came to kill me, I would have been willing as well—hss…”

Lu Xuechao bit down hard on Xie Chongjin’s neck—a heavy bite that didn’t break the skin, but left deep teeth marks.

“You just wanted to die,” Lu Xuechao said word by word.

Xie Chongjin laughed and said, “I don’t want to now. Truly.”

“You’re laughing again.”

“…Qingshu is so overbearing. How come you won’t even let me laugh?” Xie Chongjin put on an utterly aggrieved look.

“…”

“I admit, there wasn’t a moment I didn’t think about dying, but right now I want to live more than at any time before. I’m not constantly in agony or forcing a fake smile either; seeing you makes me happy, and that is truly not fake. Surely I shouldn’t pretend to be unhappy instead?” Xie Chongjin sighed, stroking the teeth marks on his neck. “Qingshu shouldn’t have bitten me here. If you bit me here, I would be even happier.”

Xie Chongjin pressed a fingertip against his lips.

It wasn’t that he was in the mood to beg for a kiss right now, but rather that saying offbeat words would stop Lu Xuechao from being sad and angry.

Yet Lu Xuechao truly kissed him.

Inside the dimly lit carriage, both of his hands hooked around the back of Xie Chongjin’s neck as he tilted his head slightly. A soft touch and warm temperature were drawn from between their lips and teeth. Xie Chongjin tasted a crisp, sweet flavor that surpassed mung bean soup and watermelon juice in the heat of summer.

Xie Chongjin gazed at Lu Xuechao’s trembling eyelashes, his eyes curving into a smile. “Qingshu actually has a day where you take the initiative to kiss me?”

Due to his personality, Lu Xuechao’s expressions of affection were always subtle and reserved; even his love poems belonged to the gentle, restrained school of poetry. When they were newly married, before every night together, Xie Chongjin had to bathe and burn incense, feeling as though he were desecrating an immortal.

Lu Xuechao turned his eyes away. “If this can make you happy, what does it matter if I kiss you every day?”

I only hope you can be happy every day.