CR CH37

Chapter 37: Helplessness

The last trace of twilight gradually sank, bringing the day to its close.

Having just seen off their visiting family and friends, most people still carried a lingering sense of melancholy on their faces, not yet fully recovered from that brief pocket of relaxation.

Huang Qi draped an arm around Jiang Tianji’s shoulder as they walked back toward the dorms. From a distance, he noticed that the area near the entrance was somewhat congested; quite a few people were tugging at their companions, talking excitedly about something. They didn’t seem to dare stay in one spot for too long, yet they were reluctant to leave immediately, shuffling their steps sluggishly. As a result, the crowd before the dormitory gates stagnated slightly, forming a loose circle.

“What’s going on over there?” Alphas were generally tall, but Huang Qi couldn’t see even while standing on his tiptoes. Perplexed, he grabbed a team member who was just walking away from the dorm entrance. “Hey brother, what’s happening over there?”

The person froze upon being suddenly grabbed. Hearing the question, he subconsciously glanced at Jiang Tianji, who was also watching him, his expression turning somewhat subtle.

“…You’ll know if you walk a bit closer. I’m not entirely sure either.”

Leaving those words, he hurriedly brushed past them, though he couldn’t resist casting a couple of glances back as he walked away.

Jiang Tianji’s brow furrowed imperceptibly as he followed Huang Qi toward the dormitory. The closer they got, the denser the crowd became. He kept his head down to avoid stepping on anyone’s feet. Although he couldn’t smell any pheromones, the stifling heat of people crowding together bred a sense of irritability.

Just as they were finally about to reach the entrance, he braced his patience to say “Excuse me, please let us through,” when a familiar voice suddenly echoed from ahead.

“Tianji.”

Jiang Tianji’s movements froze. He snapped his head up.

The twilight had completely sunk into the sea, and the sensor lights on both sides emitted a soft, mellow glow.

Jiang Yan stood quietly at the dormitory entrance. Maturity and elegance were woven into every strand of her hair, and the sheer authority radiating from her bearing made people hesitant to approach. The passing team members on either side remained dead silent, bowing respectfully to greet her.

At this moment, Jiang Yan gestured toward the crowd like any ordinary mother. Her dark eyes reflected a tall silhouette. Seeing her son freeze, she smiled faintly. “What are you staring for? Come here.”

Huang Qi was the first to snap out of it, his originally relaxed posture straightening instantly.

“Greetings, Commander!” He pushed Jiang Tianji in front of Jiang Yan, speaking with a touch of nervousness. “I am Tianji’s teammate, Huang Qi.”

Jiang Yan nodded to him. “Hello. Thank you for looking after Tianji during this time.”

“No, no, Tianji looks after us much more.” Recognizing the cue, he very astutely backed toward the dormitory interior, bowing stiffly. “Then I won’t disturb you.”

“…”

Caught completely off guard by this sudden meeting, Jiang Tianji had no preparation whatsoever and was momentarily at a loss for words. The two walked toward a secluded spot.

“How have things been lately?”

Without too much small talk, Jiang Yan assessed her son. He seemed a bit thinner, but leaner and stronger.

“Getting along well with your friends?”

“It’s been good.” Jiang Tianji looked up. He had expected another round of silent estrangement, but upon getting a clear look at Jiang Yan, he subconsciously frowned. “Mom, why did you lose weight? Have you been skipping meals again?”

“I’ve been a bit busy lately. But thanks to your friends, they often send things over during holidays, so I haven’t lost too much weight.” Jiang Yan raised her hand, flashing the smart bracelet on her wrist. “I received the gift. Don’t keep saving up money to buy things for me; the house can’t even hold them anymore.”

“How is that an exaggeration?” Jiang Tianji sighed, reaching up to brush back the stray hairs on his forehead. “The house is usually so quiet. Even if they visit during holidays, it’s only for a short while. I can’t go back often now, and there are no small animals at home either.”

He paused for a moment, then asked in a low voice.

“Mom, speaking of which, how has Aunt Jiang been doing? And the Feder—”

“That is not for you to worry about.”

Jiang Yan knit her brows, piercing through his thoughts in an instant. “Although I’ve sensed before that your head is filled with imaginary anxieties, any decision made by your elders has nothing to do with you.”

The topic felt like a taboo, causing the reasonably relaxed atmosphere between them to plunge straight to rock bottom.

After a brief silence, Jiang Tianji smiled and changed the subject.

“Alright. Why didn’t you let me know in advance that you were coming today? Just now…”

“I came to see my son. Chief Qi has a handover mission with Z01 recently, and he always stops by to see his child along the way.” Jiang Yan glanced at the time on her device, stating indifferently, “Some matters delayed me this morning. Later, seeing that your friends were all here, I waited until evening.”

“If you had told me earlier, I would have—”

“I don’t need you to factor in these things… forget it.” Jiang Yan averted her gaze, the creases between her brows betraying a hint of helplessness.

“In any case, your sudden differentiation was outside my expectations as well. But what’s done is done. You can do whatever you want here. If you want to strive for something, use your youth to try it out. When you’re tired, rest—don’t carry any pressure. Within the boundaries of law and morality, I support all your choices.”

Jiang Tianji didn’t speak. The silence magnified the surrounding ambient noise infinitely, aggravating his restless nerves.

Jiang Yan stood sideways to him, the device on her wrist flashing continuously. She glanced at it, ignored it, and leaned against the side railing, letting out a soft sigh.

“Jiang Tianji, sometimes I truly don’t understand what is going through your mind.”

“I was just afraid of causing you troub—”

Slap!

Before he could finish his sentence, a slap landed across his face. His cheek burned with a stinging pain.

“Mom, don’t be angry.” He paused for a beat, then naturally rubbed his face.

“If you don’t like hearing it, I won’t say it. It was just a passing thought. Think about it—you raise a son, he can’t be completely useless. You demand nothing from him; he eats your food, drinks your water, lives under your roof, and just exists. If he grows up twisted and causes trouble, you still have to bail him out. What is the point of having this thing then?”

Although his tone carried a smile, it still failed to hide that slight edge of stubborn defiance.

“If you raise a pet, it doesn’t have to work, but it can keep you company. If you raise me, I’m useless and I even speak with an attitude…”

“So you know you speak with an attitude?” Jiang Yan stared at him, her sharp gaze cutting straight to his core. “I’ve asked you before—I support every single decision you make. What exactly are you still dissatisfied with?”

“I’m just too satisfied.” Jiang Tianji paused. “I’m afraid I won’t be able to pay it ba—”

Slap!

Another slap flew across. Jiang Tianji let out a soft sigh, his face turned to the side, unmoved as he uttered the final syllable: “…ck.”

“Other kids are collection agencies, but you’re just begging for a beating.” Jiang Yan’s brows were locked tight, a headache mounting. “Zhou Xiong was right; I truly possess no talent for raising children. I don’t understand what you’re thinking.”

“While I don’t know the thoughts of other Alphas, as far as I am concerned, I do not care about bloodlines. Therefore, whether a child is biologically mine makes absolutely no difference.”

“You are my child. What is the issue?”

Jiang Tianji pressed his lips together. “Mom, you have always been my mom. That will never change. I just…”

“You just feel like you suddenly became an outsider? Feel like you can’t live under my roof with a clear conscience?” Jiang Yan’s tone flared with anger, though she forced herself to maintain a semblance of calm. “Jiang Tianji, admittedly, I bear the responsibility for not communicating this with you earlier and letting you find out on your own. I initially thought this wasn’t an issue at all. Clearly, I was wrong.”

“In my eyes, you have been exactly the same from childhood to adulthood. For nearly twenty years, I have treated you no differently. Why do you constantly obsess over this?”

“I raised you with my own hands. Speaking as a mother, I only want you to be happy. That is my sole expectation for you.”

“I know.”

Jiang Tianji took a deep breath, turbulent emotions churning in his eyes. He restrained himself, yet he still spoke.

“Mom, I know you treat me well. To you, none of this has changed. But I always make mistakes. When I was young, I was incredibly ignorant, thinking I was hot stuff and could bring you pride. Later, I realized I am nothing at all. These things have no meaning to you. In fact, because of me, you couldn’t even form a new family…”

Jiang Yan emphasized her words heavily: “I will say this one more time: any decision made by your elders has nothing to do with you.”

“Then what does count as having to do with me?” He raised his voice, only to lower it again quickly.

“Some things sound childish when said as a kid, and even more pathetic when said as an adult. I usually don’t dare to say them because I know very well that you don’t care and won’t understand. But I simply cannot accept all this goodness with a clear conscience.”

Seeing Jiang Yan’s lips move slightly, Jiang Tianji cut her off.

“Please just let me finish. I rarely get to speak a full sentence in front of you.”

“Due to the nature of your work, you always demand efficiency. But sometimes, when your son wants to care about you, speaking lengthily is deemed inefficient. Your mind is too active; when I’m only halfway through a sentence, you already know what I want to say. You always ask questions as if giving me choices, but in reality, I don’t have a choice at all because I don’t know what to do.”

“I have attitude because you are my mom. I don’t dare to have attitude because I know… you could actually choose to leave me alone. But this thing follows me like a cat’s tail, clashing against me, and I can’t control it. I want to cling to you just like before, but when I look down and see how big I’ve grown, I’m not cute anymore. I don’t have the confidence to talk back to you, and my heart always feels empty.”

“Before…” Jiang Tianji paused, his voice dropping low. “When I was little and running around everywhere, I never worried about anything. Now, without a leash holding me, I feel terrified instead. I don’t dare walk on my own, afraid that when I look back, no one will come looking for me.”

“During that initial period, I was miserable. For a long time, I couldn’t pull myself together. You asked me if things would be easier if you left me be. I said yes. Since then, you truly stopped managing me—not a single redundant word. When I achieved something, you just said you knew. When my grades plummeted, you didn’t question it either, telling me that being happy was enough.”

“No one constrained me. I sat in place holding my own leash, with roads stretching out in every direction around me. But as I sat there, my mind went entirely blank. Just like you said, I could choose whichever way I wanted, and any choice would be right. But I simply couldn’t stand up anymore.”

“I forgot why I used to dare to charge forward so recklessly. I only remember that I ran too fast, to the point that when I finally stopped, I realized there wasn’t a single person beside me.”

“On the contrary, when I lay flat in place and refused to move, I met quite a few people who stopped to keep me company.”

“People say that grasping success is an incredibly joyful thing. But no one was happy for me. When I won an award, they were busy comforting the runner-up.”

“One day I thought, maybe it really is my problem. Doesn’t everyone say ‘friendship first, competition second’? Maybe if I failed to place, everyone would comfort me too. But the truth was, they were all cheering for the person holding the trophy. I stood on the outer fringes watching, feeling for the very first time so clearly… that I really am that unlikable.”

“That day, I didn’t get a trophy, nor did I get any comfort. No one taught me how to interact with people since I was a child. I’m blunt; I say whatever comes to mind. But because I am Commander Jiang’s son, no one dared to say anything to my face. Later…”

Jiang Tianji’s breathing was heavy. His slightly agitated emotions ground to an abrupt halt as his sanity flooded back. After a momentary pause, he rubbed the space between his brows.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to say all this today. It wasn’t easy for you to make the trip out here, and we haven’t seen each other in so long.”

“Now that I’ve said my piece today, I don’t know when we’ll meet next. Mom, I’ve grown up. If there is someone suitable, you can introduce them to me. I don’t mean anything else by it; I just want to say I can take care of myself now. You don’t need to consider me.”

He pressed his lips together, lowering his voice. “But I will still miss you. Don’t refuse to see me. I’m not complaining, I’m just a bit… tired. Once the emotions pass, they pass. Don’t be angry with me.”

“I understand.” Jiang Yan listened to him finish in silence, closing her eyes briefly.

The device on her wrist flashed continuously. She patted Jiang Tianji’s arm in farewell and turned to leave. “Take care of yourself here.”

“Mom.” Jiang Tianji subconsciously grabbed her. Though his tone was stable, it carried a hint of haste. “I know you’re very busy. Don’t overthink what I said today. I’m just a bit tired from training lately, and I haven’t adjusted to coming from the academy yet. It’s really nothing else, don’t take it to heart…”

“Tianji, I have no expectations for you.” Jiang Yan suddenly halted her steps. Her shoulders and back were perfectly straight, yet they were taut with a certain helpless tension at this moment. “The day I carried you back, my only thought was that you wouldn’t be alone the next time you cried.”

Twenty years ago, a D-rank unnamed planet was struck by a sudden onslaught of variants. The rescue scene that day was chaotic; some people wept as they held their found-again loved ones, while others leaned silently in the corners.

No one noticed a baby wrapped in a tattered cloth in the corner. He didn’t cry or make a fuss, which actually drew Jiang Yan’s attention. Yet, the moment she walked over and bent down to inspect him, the child suddenly burst into tears.

Jiang Yan took a step back, but her falling long hair was caught by the child’s grip. Guessing that he wanted to be held, she picked the child up with awkward movements. Sure enough, he stopped crying, staring at her with a delighted smile.

At that moment, a thought she had never harbored before surfaced in her heart. She thought that, at the very least, this child could hold her and cry in the future.

If Jiang Yan had to count how many times she had acted on impulse in her life, she would answer only twice.

Once was when she resolutely boarded the spacecraft to a D-rank planet in her youth, and once was when she brought back a child from that D-rank planet.

The day she adopted Jiang Tianji, she cut her hair short.

“I am not good at emotional matters. But I want you to be happy. That is all.”

Watching Jiang Yan’s departing silhouette, Jiang Tianji stood in place for a long time. With no one around, his shoulders slumped in exhaustion.

The lighting was dim. After an unknown amount of time, he let out a soft exhale, raising his hand to swiftly wipe his eyes. He turned, intending to head back to the dorms, only to see someone leaning against a tree the moment he turned around.

Ling Kongmiao held a cigarette between his fingers, his gaze calm and steady. It was unclear how long he had been watching.

“…Captain.” Jiang Tianji’s silhouette froze, his voice raspy.

“Just passing by.” Ling Kongmiao stubbed out the cigarette butt with his foot. He glanced at the time on his wrist device, his tone natural. “You still have five minutes to pull yourself together.”

Jiang Tianji’s emotionally overloaded brain was operating too slowly—or rather, he could never keep up with this captain’s rhythm. “What?”

“See you at the combat simulation grounds.”