UCTOOT CH109

During a certain period, he genuinely believed he might be a monster.

His mind was tormented to madness by bizarre sexual psychology. He also discovered he was cold, cold-blooded, frighteningly icy, only wanting to indulge in lust but incapable of love.

He read many books trying to find answers, watched true crime documentaries, empathizing with those twisted “artists.” He sat on expensive carpets, unable to control his masturbation to release stress, sharpening his mental state until he felt abnormal, obsessed with pain, then correcting his degenerate thoughts one by one.

Life returned to calm. His public image was exactly as his parents had designed: healthy, confident, powerful, emotionless, giving a sense of security. But all along, like a shadow following at one’s feet, that ghost followed him everywhere.

Faint white mist seeped from the dripping eaves. Rainwater fell behind the window lattice; the rain turned into a drizzle.

Fine, cold sweat broke out on Xie Wuchi’s forehead. He got out of bed as soon as he woke up, watching the rain under the eaves. After a while, he spread out white paper smoothly on the desk, took out an ink brush, and drew a map of Northern Min.

…

Within the same room, Shi Shu also had a dream.

He dreamed that as soon as he entered the classroom, someone said: “Oi, Little Schoolbag, I saw you with a boyfriend with my own eyes.”

Shi Shu was startled: “W-what?”

“Very handsome, holding hands with you. You two kissed downstairs at the dorm last night?”

“Huh? Huh?”

“What’s going on? Didn’t you say you weren’t gay? You’re not that straight either!”

Shi Shu looked defensive. After a moment, he blushed and said: “Dating. Want to fight about it?”

“Tsk tsk tsk, tsk tsk tsk—”

Shi Shu opened his eyes, covered in sweat. The room was unusually dim, giving a sense of the end of the world. He reached out to push open the window lattice. It wasn’t late, just the rain making the weather gloomy.

Xie Wuchi? Where is Xie Wuchi? Xie Wuchi!

Shi Shu jumped off the bed: “Xie Wuchi?”

Shi Shu strode out the door. The post-rain smell of water suddenly brushed his face, and his steps paused. Xie Wuchi, dressed in a moon-white poplin outer robe, sat under the eaves reading and drawing maps. Hearing the voice, he looked over.

The moment Shi Shu saw him, his clinginess vanished. The image flashing in his mind was being pressed between his legs in the dim room, hearing the man’s hoarse panting, thrusting his waist, submerging the male root into his mouth.

Unconcealed pleasure, and the domination over Shi Shu, a mouthful of obscenities. Shi Shu’s brain exploded. The Xie Wuchi before him was already dressed neatly and elegantly. He felt like the experience just now was a dream.

Shi Shu stood still.

Shi Shu scratched his head, feeling that Xie Wuchi seemed to like Shi Shu touching him too much, especially his lower body—a bit morbid.

Shi Shu hesitated, feeling unfamiliar again after waking from a nap. He thought: Let’s leave this topic for tonight.

He approached and found something to say: “What are you doing?”

“Don’t know how many days this rain will last,” Xie Wuchi said. “Find something to do. Drawing maps and memorizing them helps to have a well-thought-out plan.”

Shi Shu: “I’ll keep you company~”

Shi Shu brought a small stool and sat under the dripping eaves in the drizzle, a sense of tranquility rising in his heart. At this moment, under this sky, a little idler with nothing to do.

Shi Shu stared curiously at the map, his gaze moving down. Suddenly seeing Xie Wuchi’s pant leg lifted, the scab on his calf red and swollen, he reached out abruptly: “Why hasn’t it healed yet?”

Xie Wuchi’s expression didn’t change, letting Shi Shu examine the injury and apply anti-inflammatory medicine. When Shi Shu looked up: “Eh, Xie Wuchi, does it hurt a lot? Your face doesn’t look good.”

Xie Wuchi: “Bad mood on rainy days. Had a nightmare.”

Shi Shu squatted down, looking at him: “What nightmare?”

Xie Wuchi didn’t answer. He grabbed Shi Shu’s hand and pulled it under his lapel. Shi Shu was startled: “Bro, in broad daylight!”

Shi Shu instinctively looked toward the ruined temple where Xin Bin stayed, rejecting, but saw Xie Wuchi’s brows raised sharply, forehead anxious, looking at him with somewhat transparent, cold eyes. Shi Shu was puzzled: “What’s wrong?”

“Subconscious. The noon demon.”

Xie Wuchi closed his lips and spoke no more. Shi Shu sensed his bad mood. Generally, Xie Wuchi had strong self-control and adjusted negative emotions very quickly, avoiding being affected by his mentality. Don’t know if it was the rainy weather, or maybe just being with Shi Shu, he temporarily didn’t restrain himself.

Shi Shu’s voice softened: “Is the wound hurting?”

Xie Wuchi: “No.”

“Then why?” Shi Shu’s wrist was grabbed again. Xie Wuchi said hoarsely: “Touch me.”

Shi Shu was stunned. When they first met, he knew Xie Wuchi himself had dual psychological and physiological uncontrollable behaviors. Right now, he seemed on the verge of anxiety.

On that rainy night in Shukang Prefecture, Shi Shu had witnessed Xie Wuchi sick—wanting sex as soon as he got anxious. Shi Shu was conflicted: “This, this isn’t good, right… How many days? How many days have you been anxious? Since the day we arrived?”

Xie Wuchi: “Love also makes me anxious.”

“…” Shi Shu muttered, “Xie Wuchi, you…”

Shi Shu didn’t know what to say, reaching out to stroke his face. Xie Wuchi frowned, seeming to rub lightly against his palm.

Shi Shu’s heart suddenly softened. What was this feeling? His ears turned red as he cupped his face.

His soul seemed to be tearing apart—afraid Xin Bin would see, yet wanting to comfort him. After a torment of conscience, Shi Shu said: “Let’s change places?”

Before Xie Wuchi could speak, Shi Shu denied: “Can’t go to bed. You, day in and day out, no one can handle it.”

Shi Shu saw the small cooking shed aside and said: “Come here.”

Shi Shu conveniently put the meat on to stew and the medicine to boil, sitting under the small rain shed: “You’re too smart, so all your illnesses are of the mind.”

Xie Wuchi sat beside him, not answering. Although Shi Shu didn’t know his past particularly well, he had always been clear that Xie Wuchi was medically psychologically unhealthy.

Slow-burning wood, flames glowing red, body warming up a bit.

Shi Shu held his hand with his other hand, interlocking fingers: “What did you dream of?”

Xie Wuchi: “The past.”

“The past is the past. Didn’t you say memory is a kind of punishment?”

Xie Wuchi lowered his eyes, staring at the fire without speaking. A moment later, he pulled Shi Shu’s hand over again, putting it under his lapel. Shi Shu said “Hey”: “Dirty hands! Don’t be like this.”

Had to lean in and kiss him.

Holding Xie Wuchi, kissing under the narrow rain shed. Shi Shu discovered that although Xie Wuchi didn’t speak a word of truth, he wasn’t lying about this illness.

He had severe intimacy anxiety. Only sexual desire could fill his psychological void and give him a sense of security.

What is a sense of security? Humans all need a sense of security. People often do incredible things to gain psychological satisfaction—killing, throwing tantrums—just to fill that “feeling” in their hearts.

Shi Shu kissed him. Usually, Xie Wuchi would quickly seize the initiative, but this time he let Shi Shu kiss, watching him unblinkingly.

Shi Shu lightly licked his lips, then entangled with his tongue tip, kissing clumsily and rawly for a while before responding to Xie Wuchi’s gaze.

“Has anyone hurt you?” Shi Shu asked.

Xie Wuchi didn’t speak. He wasn’t unwilling to show weakness to Shi Shu, but maintained a posture of silent resistance on this matter. However, not answering, not denying, resisting. This was a habitual expression, proving that he had been hurt many times when he was young and powerless. The same psychology led to his current behavior.

Shi Shu didn’t understand either. He leaned in and kissed him again.

When Shi Shu lowered his head, he thought: The time ahead is still long. Maybe one day, Xie Wuchi will no longer fall into uncontrollable emotions.

Shi Shu threw a slow-burning log into the stove, turned back, and kept kissing Xie Wuchi, lips and teeth entangled.

As suspected, Xie Wuchi wasn’t very sensitive to language and description, even lacking trust. Only physical contact made him feel real. So he needed Shi Shu to spare no effort in kissing his tattoo, licking his body’s sexual characteristics, to express love. And love required kissing and hugging.

Shi Shu sucked his lip lightly, eyelashes facing his. Xie Wuchi lowered his eyes and was “mwah-ed” by Shi Shu again.

Every time Shi Shu kissed him for a while, he would turn to look at the ruined temple where Xin Bin was. But with the earthen walls, there was actually no possibility of being seen, yet he just couldn’t relax.

Shi Shu added beans to the stewing pig trotters, washed his hands clean, and sat down again. Xie Wuchi hooked his finger on the corner of his clothes, still wanting to kiss.

Shi Shu used to not understand how couples could stand downstairs at the dorm kissing for half an hour. Of course, part of the reason was sports students had good stamina, but this was still too exaggerated.

At this moment, Shi Shu didn’t know what to say, leaning in to kiss him again.

Sucking lightly, probing with tongue tip to lick lightly, Shi Shu kissed him stroke by stroke, making some wet, hot sounds. Xie Wuchi was sensing his scent, eyelashes always lowered.

Fortunately, this was in the mountains.

Shi Shu kissed him, afraid of making it too fiery. Indulging in desire all the time didn’t seem too good either. He kissed him carefully, as cherishingly as possible. Xie Wuchi’s brow and eye contours were extremely handsome, nose bridge carrying a bit of arrogant straightness. Yet such a person was silently accepting Shi Shu’s love falling like fine rain.

“It’s rare for you to be so obedient, Xie Wuchi. I like it very much.”

Shi Shu smiled at him. Xie Wuchi said: “Still want it.”

“Really can’t. Broad daylight, and doing it all the time isn’t good. Everything needs moderation; it’s bad for the body.”

Xie Wuchi, thinking of something: “Hard.”

Shi Shu: “Huh?”

“I like your gaze.”

Xie Wuchi undid his lapel: “Watch me get soft.”

Light rain continued in the Min mountains, a rare leisure moment.

The courtyard was far from the village, a scene of reclusive paradise.

Under the shed built of thatch, Shi Shu smelled the meat in the pot, then looked at Xie Wuchi: “You…”

Really transcending the limits of human understanding. Shi Shu’s scalp tingled: “Huh?”

Xie Wuchi had a bit of exhibitionism, but this was too absurd.

Shi Shu glanced absently into the pot, then at Xie Wuchi: “What exactly do you want?”

“I didn’t say use hands, just let you look.”

“…………”

Shi Shu wanted to say “Huh?” again, but feared expressing intense emotion might hurt Xie Wuchi’s fragile heart, so he barely agreed, following his gaze.

Such an absurd feeling. Shi Shu looked at the disorder under his robe, then at the dripping eaves and the bright day. What is this feeling? Is this erotica? Good heavens.

Shi Shu: “Xie Wuchi, tell me the truth. You’re actually not human, but a fox spirit transformation, right?”

Xie Wuchi: “I thought you would accept me completely.”

“What’s hard about accepting you.” Shi Shu smiled with feigned relief. “Actually, it’s nothing. Isn’t it just liking to expose to me? Look, you didn’t expose in front of outsiders. What does this count as? Counts as nothing.”

Shi Shu’s mood was very complex because Xie Wuchi was actually a very handsome male. Slightly opening his shirt revealed chest muscles, and below the waist was also disheveled.

Shi Shu wiped his sweat. First time dating in this life and it’s like this. Truly “when one meets a rainbow, one knows there is such a thing.”

Shi Shu wanted to look but was also embarrassed to look. Keeping his handsome fair face straight, he righteously stewed meat and boiled medicine, looking straight ahead.

“You can look,” Xie Wuchi said. “You haven’t carefully looked at the color and size yet.”

“…”

“…”

Shi Shu said: “I say—”

True though. Usually it’s at night, pitch black.

Shi Shu looked over with complex feelings. Felt this was very like scenes in some novels or movies—under the sun, two people doing who knows what. Like Pan Jinlian seducing Wu Song. On the exile road, seeing that little eunuch and guard at the relay station with Xie Wuchi.

Shi Shu sat upright on the small stool, seriously looking under the shirt robe, adding firewood to the stove: “Xie Wuchi, after dating you, anyone else in this life will be boring.”

Anyone else would be insipid.

Xie Wuchi: “So you like my type?”

Shi Shu: “…………”

No.

Fell for it.

Shi Shu couldn’t explain clearly. Reaching out to tug his clothes sash, ears red: “Are you done yet?”

Xie Wuchi made no move, just letting it calm down, sitting upright in the chair. Shi Shu then tied his clothes, restoring the messy hem to meticulous order, matching his dignified appearance: “Reiterating again, only like this in front of me at most. Although I trust you very much too.”

Xie Wuchi: “Mm. Look at me more.”

“…”

Shi Shu really had nothing to say. Just then, the anti-inflammatory medicine in the pot was ready. He poured a bowl, sitting under the small shed feeding him mouthful by mouthful. Shi Shu’s heart was quiet. He had never had this experience in this life, whiling away time being intimate with another person.

Xie Wuchi clearly had perfectly sound hands, but forcefully gave an impression of needing care. Shi Shu wasn’t enlightened originally, but seemed unknowingly guided by him to feed him medicine and take care of him.

The rain turned into a continuous drizzle but didn’t stop. When Shi Shu fed the last mouthful of medicine, a villager walked past the courtyard.

Wearing a rain hat, carrying a straw raincoat on his back, leading an ox. Obviously just returned from the fields, looking at the two curiously a few times.

Shi Shu saw a bunch of mushrooms in his hand: “Big brother, where did you find those?”

The villager said: “It’s been raining these days; they are everywhere. Take a basket up the mountain tomorrow; walk a few steps and pick a basketful. Stir-fried plain, meat slice soup, stewed chicken—all delicious.”

They spoke Han dialect. Great Jing people in Yong’an Prefecture were as numerous as ox hairs. Shi Shu thanked him. The man led the ox slowly away in the rain.

Shi Shu said: “Fishing when no rain; waiting to pick mushrooms on the mountain when raining. Now you and I seem to be farming. Don’t know how many days we’ll farm.”

“Like this life?”

“Quite like it. Very peaceful.”

The stewed pig trotters emitted bursts of aroma in the pot. Shi Shu tended to season too salty or too bland; Xie Wuchi seasoned it. They cleared the small table. It was exactly four or five o’clock. Sitting under the eaves, they ate while watching the drizzle.

In Shi Shu’s eyes was misty rain. Beside him sat only Xie Wuchi. Waiting for the sky to gradually darken, at this time, all distracting thoughts were cast away.

Xie Wuchi’s mood hadn’t recovered, and his appetite was average. Shi Shu looked carefully at his wound again; perhaps it was related to the inflammation. After eating, Shi Shu walked to the fence early: “Closing the gate?”

“They probably won’t send news today. We can rest.”

Shi Shu returned to the room. Pitch black. He lit the oil lamp too.

Nothing to do, idle too early. Usually, he would probably still be reading. Today it got dark too early; reading strained the eyes. Xie Wuchi seemed to be in a bad mood too.

Xie Wuchi entered the west wing door. Shi Shu asked him: “Do these farming families work in the fields during the day, and close the door at dusk to get on the kang in the dark?”

Xie Wuchi: “When you were at Zhou Family Village, how did you spend it?”

Shi Shu: “Ate dinner at six or seven. Couldn’t sleep, missed home. Missed it so much I couldn’t sleep even more, so went to the ruined temple on the back mountain—”

Xie Wuchi: “To do what?”

Shi Shu sat on the edge of the bed: “What else? I prayed to gods for three months, never missing a day, praying for them to send me home.”

Shi Shu: “What about you, what were you doing?”

The room was dim. Usually Xie Wuchi was always busy. Perhaps this time was too idle, so there were a lot of words to say.

Xie Wuchi: “I was in the temple, chanting sutras and reading books every day, often until late at night. Before sleep, wrote a diary, practiced a set of body movements, washed up, and slept.”

Shi Shu seemed to visualize the scene: “I still had Laifu in the village. Weren’t you lonely alone?”

“I think,” Xie Wuchi said, “you taking a puppy and running to the temple every day was also very lonely.”

Shi Shu paused, couldn’t stand it—this affectionate atmosphere about to lead to kissing and bed.

Don’t want to be in a relationship!

Is this the honeymoon phase?

Convinced. That feeling of hearing him say one sentence and mind running wild appeared.

What is this mouth blabbering about? Want to kiss.

Shi Shu started getting busy again: “Clothes haven’t been washed yet.”

He took no more than two steps when his wrist was grabbed by a scalding hand. Steps stumbling instantly, Click, his whole body was pressed against the wall.

The air was filled with the post-rain water smell. The room was a bit damp; doors and windows were shut tight. Shi Shu felt that at this moment, he and Xie Wuchi were locked in a place like a bottomless pit.

He and Xie Wuchi were trapped in the cave. Xie Wuchi happened to be poisoned by an aphrodisiac, and only he could detoxify him. Shi Shu’s back hit the wall. The kiss fell. Clothes were undone by him.

The kiss moved from lips and teeth to the fair, elegant neck, then lower.

Shi Shu grabbed his hair. Earlobe licked red by him in the dark night, unable to bend his lean spine, he had to grab Xie Wuchi’s collar.

Night is a fig leaf.

Shi Shu was picked up and sat on the bed. Sleeves had long been pushed up to his forearms, letting him kiss his chest. Shi Shu bit his teeth lightly, then moved up to entangle with his lips and teeth.

Shi Shu sat in Xie Wuchi’s lap, knees pressing against the soft bedding. The young man’s calves were fair and slender, his whole body folded in Xie Wuchi’s embrace.

—

Shi Shu trembled all over, wanting to curl into a ball, teeth chattering lightly: “…”

Shi Shu bit his own finger to avoid making sound. In an instant, he was tipped over, skin pressing against the bedding, behind him Xie Wuchi’s chest pressing tight against his skin.

Shi Shu’s neck was blocked. He lowered his head, biting Xie Wuchi’s wrist, hearing a muffled groan—it was the scabbed wound on his wrist.

—

Shi Shu was turned over by him. At this time, legs were shelved in a posture that scared him.

Shi Shu’s mind returned to the snowy night in Senzhou, blizzard weather, held in Xie Wuchi’s arms smelling his scent desperately, controlled immobile by his strong arms.

—

“…Still no good, you’ll hurt.” Xie Wuchi leaned down to kiss him. Shi Shu’s back relaxed instantly, sweat sliding from his forehead, face cupped and kissed by him.

—

Shi Shu said word by word: “Xie… Wu… Chi…”

Xie Wuchi’s breath turned into thick fog, wrapping him: “Satisfied with me?”

Shi Shu’s fingertips stroked his rising shoulder blades, the lines under powerful thin muscles, gritting teeth: “I, hate, men—”

“Ah…” Until reduced to broken sobs, Shi Shu wanted to struggle up. When Xie Wuchi’s arm pressed him down, it was like being crushed by a mountain. Shi Shu choked with sobs while panting: “I loathe men…”

Xie Wuchi kissed him again: “I still have patience.”

—

Shi Shu’s fair handsome face was wet, tears falling: “Xie Wuchi… you psycho… ah…”

Xie Wuchi kissed again: “You will adapt to me.”

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