ASPWL Ch108: Zhang Qiran x Song Zhehan

Xiang Yang’s transfer was very sudden.

Song Zhehan remembered clearly that it was an ordinary Sunday in May.

The day before, Xiang Yang had agreed to meet him to go roller skating, but when Song Zhehan showed up the next day with his skates, he couldn’t get anyone to answer the door at Xiang Yang’s house.

Xiang Yang’s father’s house was a large villa, and after they became friends, Xiang Yang would occasionally invite Song Zhehan over to play. So, Song Zhehan was very familiar with the road, and even his skates had peed near their front door before.

That day, the sun was especially nice, with a hint of summer heat.

Xiang Yang’s father was in poor health and had been going back and forth between home and the hospital for many years. Usually, when Xiang Yang was at school, a housemaid would take care of his meals and daily needs.

But today, the maid didn’t answer the door for Song Zhehan.

Song Zhehan held onto his skates, which kept trying to go to the front door to pee again.

He stopped it and waited in place for a few minutes. When the skates couldn’t hold it anymore, he decided to leave.

The next day, the short holiday ended, and the students returned to school for classes.

For the entire morning, Song Zhehan didn’t leave the classroom. He was waiting for Xiang Yang to explain himself.

Being stood up without reason, Xiang Yang at least owed him an explanation.

Song Zhehan even thought to himself, wondering if he should forgive him easily this time because being stood up was one of the things Song Zhehan hated most.

Unfortunately, the entire morning passed without seeing Xiang Yang.

The first class in the afternoon was physical education. Song Zhehan’s friends came over and asked him if he wanted to play basketball.

Song Zhehan didn’t answer, but simply glanced at them.

A few of the boys were startled by his look.

One of them, who was relatively close to him, couldn’t help but ask, “What’s wrong with you?”

“Why the sour face?”

Song Zhehan kept a stern expression and said nothing.

His friends were unsure, but they could tell something was off with his mood.

Suddenly, Song Zhehan stood up, leaving a short “I’m not going” behind as he turned and went downstairs.

The class bell rang, and Song Zhehan should have been heading to the track field, but instead, he found himself standing at the door of Class 5 in the first year of middle school. All the students had returned to their seats, except for Xiang Yang’s seat, which was empty.

The teacher wasn’t in, so Song Zhehan leaned against the door and asked one of the boys in the front row, “Where’s Xiang Yang?”

The boy knew who Song Zhehan was, so he answered, “I don’t know, he didn’t come to class this morning. Aren’t you his best friend? Don’t you know?”

Song Zhehan didn’t respond and just turned and left.

After school that day, Song Zhehan went to Xiang Yang’s house again, but no one answered the door.

Back home, Song Zhehan took out his phone and tried calling Xiang Yang.

The call connected, but no one answered.

A week passed, and only then did Song Zhehan hear from the students in Class 5 the definitive news—Xiang Yang had transferred to another school.

Without a word, and without leaving a message, he had quietly left without a trace, just like when he had suddenly transferred to their school.

For the following period of time, Song Zhehan was in a bad mood.

Even his closest friends didn’t dare to bother him, and gradually, they began drifting further away from him.

One day, by chance, Song Zhehan overheard their quiet conversation:

“Really can’t stand Song Zhehan’s attitude.”

“He’s acting all high and mighty. I don’t know how he turned out like this. Every time we go to find him, it feels like we’re begging him to hang out with us. Are we that desperate?”

“Forget it, if he’s there, I’m not playing basketball with him anymore…”

The friendship between boys was more fragile than expected.

Song Zhehan didn’t listen anymore and turned away.

They were no longer on the same path; it was probably best this way.

After that, Song Zhehan began living more isolated.

It wasn’t until a month later, just before the final exams, that his mother suddenly called him as he was about to leave the house: “Did Xiang Yang transfer to another school?”

Song Zhehan didn’t even look back as he prepared to leave.

Mother Song furrowed her brows. “Zhehan?”

Song Zhehan’s expression was cold, but he couldn’t completely ignore his mother. With a scowl on his face, he turned around. “What’s up?”

Mother Song watched her son for a long while, then sighed inwardly. “I only heard about it a week ago… his father… passed away, and then his mother took him away. Have you two been in touch?”

Song Zhehan’s expression turned even colder, his lips pressed tight. He didn’t want to answer his mother, and didn’t want to discuss Xiang Yang anymore. But suddenly, he felt a twinge of worry.

After a long pause, Song Zhehan lowered his gaze, his voice indifferent and emotionless. “No.”

Mother Song moved her lips, but ultimately didn’t say anything more.

After school that day, Song Zhehan went to a mobile phone store. He figured if he had money, he could buy a brand new SIM card.

Standing outside the store near the trash can, Song Zhehan threw his old phone away.

Once, twice, and on the third throw, the old SIM card didn’t fall into his hand as expected—it dropped into the trash can.

Song Zhehan stared at the trash can for a while, then turned and walked home.

The second year of middle school passed in the blink of an eye, and the third year was approaching.

Song Zhehan also reached the first major turning point in his life.

The group of friends he had once been close with didn’t make up with him, and Song Zhehan didn’t make any new friends either. He remained distant and alone in class.

By the time they were about to graduate from middle school, during the class gathering when everyone was getting ready to leave, the sports representative approached Song Zhehan and asked, “Song Zhehan, I’ve always liked you, but… what happened to you? Why has your personality changed so much?”

Song Zhehan looked at the sports representative coldly, until the other’s face turned bright red from the staring. Finally, Song Zhehan spoke coldly, “Is it possible that this is my real personality?”

The sports representative froze.

Without even looking at him again, Song Zhehan turned and left.

After all, they were just passing strangers in his life, not worth another glance.

But for some reason, at that moment, Song Zhehan suddenly thought of Xiang Yang.

Before meeting Xiang Yang, Song Zhehan had always been very good at pretending, to the point that he could even boast about his acting skills. He was so good that everyone around him, except for his parents, was fooled by his gentle and polite exterior, thinking he was a kind and easy-going guy.

But why, after meeting Xiang Yang, did he suddenly not want to pretend anymore?

That day, after returning home, Song Zhehan thought carefully and suddenly recalled a conversation he had with Xiang Yang during a break.

At that time, Song Zhehan had fully accepted Xiang Yang as his friend, so he would occasionally listen patiently to Xiang Yang talk about his emotional struggles.

On that day, Xiang Yang was particularly distressed, tugging at Song Zhehan’s sleeve and quietly asking, “Song Zhehan, what do you think… of me?”

When he suddenly heard this kind of question that young people liked to discuss, Song Zhehan didn’t even change his expression. He just looked at Xiang Yang as if he were an idiot, silently implying that he didn’t want to discuss this meaningless topic.

Xiang Yang clearly understood what Song Zhehan meant, but he still said, “I think… I think I’m not good at all. I’m fat… and my personality is introverted. It feels like so many people in our class don’t want to talk to me…”

“Ugh, it’s all my fault for having such a bad personality. If my personality were better, would I have more friends?”

“I… I’ve thought about trying to gather the courage to be friends with them, but…”

It seemed, just as Xiang Yang said, that he had few friends. So he probably hadn’t had anyone to confide in for a long time, which was why he kept babbling in Song Zhehan’s ear.

Song Zhehan wasn’t a patient person. After listening for a while, he finally became annoyed and said, “You should take out the same courage you used to shamelessly cling to me. How could you not have friends?”

At this, Xiang Yang’s eyes widened. “I… I… You think I was shameless?”

Song Zhehan didn’t pretend in front of Xiang Yang. Upon hearing this, he raised an eyebrow. “Wasn’t it?”

Xiang Yang’s eyes immediately turned red, and his voice choked up. “No… it wasn’t. I just… I just thought you were a good person, and you helped me… and I didn’t have any friends, so… sob…”

Xiang Yang couldn’t continue. The two sat on the grass, Xiang Yang next to Song Zhehan, and he began to cry uncontrollably.

Song Zhehan really disliked crying and hated people who started crying in the middle of a conversation. But every time he saw Xiang Yang cry in front of him, he didn’t feel that way at all. In fact, he found it rather interesting.

Young Song Zhehan didn’t realize that this was his strange pleasure; he was simply enjoying the rush of dopamine.

When Xiang Yang cried until he was about to hiccup, Song Zhehan slowly took out a clean tissue, with a touch of arrogance, and gently wiped away the tears on Xiang Yang’s face. “Stop crying, you’re not wrong.”

Xiang Yang paused his crying and didn’t blame Song Zhehan. Instead, he reflected on himself and said, “I… I… I wasn’t blaming you… It’s just that I cry too much…”

“Mm,” Song Zhehan nodded. “Crybaby.”

Xiang Yang’s face turned a little red. “I don’t… cry…”

Eventually, the crying stopped.

Xiang Yang held the tissue in his hand, his tear-streaked face still wet, knees pulled to his chest, and his head lowered.

Song Zhehan watched him closely and keenly noticed that Xiang Yang was not in a good mood at that moment.

Why?

Song Zhehan rarely paid attention to others’ emotional changes, but at this moment, he couldn’t help but start to wonder: Why had Xiang Yang stopped crying? Was his mood really bad?

Soon, Song Zhehan remembered what he had just said.

“Are you angry?” Song Zhehan asked.

Xiang Yang stared at Song Zhehan in surprise, and after a brief pause, he said, “No… not at all.”

“Liar,” Song Zhehan replied.

Xiang Yang lowered his head, and after a long time, he quietly said, “Did… did I bother you when I kept following you before…”

So that was really the reason.

Song Zhehan found it amusing, and he laughed. The young man, who was naturally good-looking, narrowed his eyes slightly, his teasing gaze landing on Xiang Yang as he sized him up. “You cried just because of this?”

Xiang Yang stared at him, his face suddenly turning a bit red. “I… I didn’t… it wasn’t that…”

He hurriedly tried to explain, but as he spoke, his face turned completely red, even his neck was tinged with a rosy glow. Xiang Yang, who had fair skin, made even the slightest blush stand out.

Song Zhehan’s gaze fell on his eyes, and it was only then that he realized this person’s ears also turned red when embarrassed. No wonder he cried so much.

Song Zhehan leaned back slightly, propping his arm on the grass, taking a semi-reclining position. “If I really hated you, do you think you’d be sitting here right now?”

Xiang Yang was racking his brain trying to explain, when he suddenly heard this remark. He blinked at Song Zhehan, his mouth opened as if he wanted to say something, but in the end, nothing came out. His face turned redder.

Song Zhehan didn’t wait for his response, instead, he continued, “You shouldn’t blame yourself too much, you should be like me.”

Xiang Yang hummed, “Like you? What do you mean?”

“Learn to blame others.” Song Zhehan raised an eyebrow, looking at Xiang Yang’s watery eyes, and suddenly had an urge to touch his head. He reached out and ruffled Xiang Yang’s hair, “Your name is Xiang Yang. You should live like Xiang Yang, not always keep your head down. Be a little more confident.”

The class bell rang, and Song Zhehan waved his hand at Xiang Yang before walking ahead.

After that day, whether because of what Song Zhehan said or not, Xiang Yang really changed. He no longer kept his head lowered while walking. He would carefully raise his head, quickly scanning around to make sure no one was looking at him strangely. Once he confirmed that there was no strange gaze, he would let out a big sigh of relief, and even secretly curve his lips upward.

It was very interesting.

It seemed that from that moment on, Song Zhehan changed as well. He no longer hid his true nature and stopped thinking about always considering others. He began to be himself when he was with Xiang Yang.

Unfortunately, Xiang Yang ran off first, leaving Song Zhehan standing alone in the same spot.

So, starting from high school, Song Zhehan stopped being himself again. It was hard to tell whether it was because he disliked his last year in middle school or simply wanted to act out against Xiang Yang, but for the three years of high school, Song Zhehan wore a mask again and blended into school life smoothly.

It wasn’t until after the high school reunion, when he had dropped off all his drunk friends and was so exhausted that he wanted nothing more than to lie down and sleep, that he suddenly became curious.

Why had he become his old self again?

Could it be because he lacked friends?

No, if it was because of lacking friends, then he should have felt extremely lonely when he drifted away from his friends in the last year of middle school. But Song Zhehan didn’t.

In fact, at that time, he almost regretted not distancing himself from those people sooner.

So what was the reason?

Did he like socializing? Did he enjoy having people around to share his life, someone to grab a meal with or a friend to play basketball or games with?

None of that.

Song Zhehan didn’t like socializing. He had a low need for sharing, and most of the time, he preferred to be sharp-tongued. As for playing basketball and games, he could go to the sports hall for the former, and for the latter, he was already very good at games. There were plenty of people asking him to carry them.

But if none of those reasons applied, then why?

Why had he been fine being himself, but then put on a mask again?

Song Zhehan couldn’t figure it out.

After the college entrance exams, during the summer vacation, his parents, Mother Song and Father Song, wanted to take him on a trip, but he declined politely.

He stayed at home all summer, playing games. He rejected all invitations from his high school friends without hesitation.

After being rejected, many people were surprised, but they didn’t press him further, except for one girl.

To this day, Song Zhehan couldn’t even remember her name or appearance, only that she was a very carefree girl.

She kept sending messages to him on WeChat for a week, inviting him to meet up.

Song Zhehan wasn’t bothered by it but eventually couldn’t help asking, “Do you like me?”

Every time he replied, she responded instantly, but for some reason, this time, her message bubble kept showing “typing…” and no message ever came.

Song Zhehan already knew the answer.

So he replied without hesitation: “Stop wasting your time. I don’t like you.”

As soon as he sent the message, her “typing…” disappeared from the conversation.

Song Zhehan deleted her.

Throughout his middle and high school years, countless people confessed to Song Zhehan.

So he was very good at handling these situations.

First, reject them, then delete them as friends.

He wouldn’t leave anyone with any lingering thoughts, just like when he changed his phone card.

Thinking of this, Song Zhehan shivered.

Why had he suddenly thought of this?

Was there a connection between changing his phone card and deleting someone from his friend list?

Yes, there was.

It was all about never contacting them again.

It was at that moment that Song Zhehan suddenly realized he had been harboring this matter in his heart all along.

No wonder.

No wonder he was so angry after being stood up that day.

No wonder he would secretly check his phone during class at that time.

No wonder, when he heard Song’s mother say that Xiang Yang had transferred schools, he had been so angry that he went to change his phone number immediately.

Song Zhehan knew that Xiang Yang’s family had gone through a major change, and that might have been why Xiang Yang couldn’t contact him right away. But why had he not contacted him after an entire month?

Song Zhehan had always been petty and held grudges. But at that time, he and Xiang Yang had no contact anymore. The only way he could think of to get back at him was to get rid of the only remaining possibility between them — the phone number.

Did Song Zhehan regret it?

Yes, he did.

If not for the regret, he wouldn’t have chosen to put his mask back on at the beginning of high school.

The weather in August changed suddenly. One moment it was clear and sunny, and the next moment dark clouds covered the sky.

Eighteen-year-old Song Zhehan threw away the game console he had been holding and walked out of the room.

There was no one at home, so he stood on the balcony. A gust of wind blew, and some sand seemed to fly in.

The dog behind him, Gou Shi, was barking loudly.

Song Zhehan turned around and gave it a glance, warning, “Shut up, stupid dog.”

But Gou Shi continued barking.

Song Zhehan reached over to close the window and said coldly, “It’s going to rain, you can’t go outside.”

Gou Shi seemed to understand. It looked up at him with a pitiful expression.

Song Zhehan stared at its eyes for a long while, then walked over and rubbed its head. He crouched down to look carefully into its eyes, as if trying to see something beyond them.

After a while, Song Zhehan spoke, “No, you’re pretty stupid too. I never thought I would like him so much back then…”

For someone who had already left him, he had held onto his anger for four whole years. Yet this small feeling of his could not be shared with anyone.

Even today, four years later, Song Zhehan only realized that he had been holding onto a grudge.

“That heartless little chubby boy, he’s probably already forgotten about us.” Song Zhehan pinched Gou Shi’s big face.

Gou Shi whimpered, not caring about Song Zhehan’s thoughts at all; it just wanted to go outside and play.

Song Zhehan tugged at the dog’s face, “You’re heartless too!”

Gou Shi barked again as if arguing with him.

Song Zhehan suddenly smiled.

Four years had passed, and he still didn’t understand why he had liked Xiang Yang back then. He didn’t even know if that feeling had been mixed with his emotions.

But at that moment, he finally understood one thing:

He was gay.

So that evening, when his parents came home from work, at the dinner table, Song Zhehan casually said, “I like guys.”

Mother Song was telling Father Song about something funny that happened at school that day. The two were chatting happily, when they suddenly heard such an abrupt statement. Both were stunned. “Huh?”

Song Zhehan glanced at both of them. When facing the parents who knew him best, he never hid his sharp tongue and said, “You two aren’t deaf yet.”

His mother slapped him lightly on the arm, not hard but not painless either, and said, “You brat, when will you learn to speak more politely?”

Song Zhehan looked at her. “Eighteen years, mom. If I could change, I would have changed long ago.”

Mother Song covered her heart dramatically and said, “Forget it, forget it!”

Father Song couldn’t help but laugh and suddenly asked, “By the way, since you realize you like guys, does that mean you have someone you like?”

The table fell silent for a moment, and then both of them leaned forward, asking in unison, “Who do you like?”

Mother Song: “Are you together?”

Father Song: “When will you bring him home?”

Song Zhehan’s forehead twitched. He stared at them for a while, then coldly uttered a name.

Song’s father’s eyebrows immediately furrowed. “This… a foreigner?”

Mother Song was even more shocked. “You’re in an online relationship?”

Song Zhehan replied coldly, “No, it’s unrequited love. I like him alone.”

“Then why…”

Song Zhehan said, “I watched a drama he starred in.”

After saying that, Song Zhehan smiled mysteriously and stood up from the table.

Father Song and mother immediately huddled together, curiously typing the name into their phones. The next moment, the browser showed the biography of a foreign actor.

Mother Song couldn’t help but shout, “Song Zhehan! You little brat are messing with us again—”

Inside, Song Zhehan smiled slightly, his mood finally relaxing a little.

No matter what, what was in the past was already past.

So even though that feeling of liking, which he only realized now, had been gradually put behind by Song Zhehan.

So, after entering university, Song Zhehan no longer wore a mask. He went back to being the most authentic version of himself.

Four years later.

Song Zhehan studied computer science. After graduation, several major companies offered him jobs, but he wasn’t interested in any of them.

It wasn’t until the day he went back to school to collect his graduation certificate that his agent handed him a business card.

After a year of training, Song Zhehan once again donned the mask he was once best at and appeared in public.

Nine years later, under a new name, Zhang Qiran finally saw Song Zhehan again.